Dear Parents: Our Children Will Be Ok.
So remember the ones that won’t.
Yesterday I had something weighing deeply on my mind, regarding the effect COVID has had on our children and I shared it with the parents in my community. After some thought I decided to share it here publicly as well.
A little long but I hope you follow me for a bit.
In my second teaching job out of college (my first took me from Boston to Georgia) I taught at Independence High School in the Ironbound section of Newark, NJ. Now you may have never heard of it because it was not your ordinary public school. It was a school that fell under the Newark/Essex County Department of Youth and Family Services. In fact, if you saw the building, you wouldn’t even know a school existed in there. How appropriate I guess because if there was ever a group of children that felt as though they were invisible and non existent to the world it was them.
My students were made up of high school aged youth that lived in poverty. Many resided in the shelters and foster homes of Newark. They were young boys whose arrest records were comparable to their record of being sexually assaulted in the group homes. They were young girls who sat among each other who, cryptically and calmly, would talk about who raped them, even naming family members. Even the smartest among them, were not absolved from the ills of poverty. My brightest young man had to do things to provide for his drug addicted mom that, even to this day, brings me close to tears when I think about it. My brightest young girl, though quiet we often worried about as her health, thought to be HIV, continued to decline. Parent-teacher night said it all. Though void of many parents, those who did come to school reeked of either the smell of alcohol or things even worse.
Yes they caused some trouble. I would often tell my students at the High School that I have been teaching at, since leaving Independence HS in the summer of 1998, that I broke up more fights there in one year than in all my years at PHS combined. But, in retrospect, they were good kids when you take in perspective the ugly hand they were dealt. The uncomfortable truth, that we as a society don’t like to admit, is sometimes the level of trouble a child may cause is often equated to the level of pain and trauma that child has endured.
Ironically, they were always present and on time. Sure I'd like to believe they came to school rushing to learn from the "wonderful" teaching of their instructors. Ha. But the reality is they were on time because we fed them breakfast and lunch. On certain days some of them would stay long after the end of the school day because the head lunch lady, who was more like the old school Grandmother we all know and love, often made them dinner. Independence HS was the closest thing to a normal home, they would have. Sadly, many of my students were lost to the streets of Newark after they left the school. Consequences of having to endure the harsh and ugly reality of life that awaits so many of our youth that come up in poverty and trauma. So why am I bringing this up?
Because across America right now, including those in my community, many parents are stressing about the perils and uncertainty of this upcoming school year in the era of COVID. We are concerned about our children’s mental health. Will they be able to socialize with friends? Will they be able to learn from home when remote learning was a disaster in the spring? Will the teachers be attentive? What about the seniors? Will the Class of 2021 have a graduation? Prom? Sports? Work? Yes. There is so much uncertainty that we as parents have to deal with and concern for our children. But here is the reality: our children, yours and mine, will be OK.
Yes they will be OK. It doesn’t mean these are not tough times but, ultimately, this too shall pass and, when this passes, our children will all go on to live the prosperous lives that we have, as their parents, worked so hard to give them. That is the reality that many of us, who do not live in poverty, reluctantly need to admit. For our children, this struggle is temporary.
To be clear I am not saying parents should not stress and I’m definitely not saying there wont be trying times. Nor am I saying that, because your story is not like those of my former students, you do not have the right to complain, have doubts and even days of despair and worry. Yes. You and all of us do have that right to have those days.
But I write this story to also say sometimes, for us to get through our tough times, we should acknowledge the greater trials and tribulations of others. Doing so allows us to take a step back for a moment to just appreciate what we have in times of adversity. More importantly it humbles us to respect the greater mountains that others have to climb, just to get a 10th of what we have in life. It’s what comes to my mind when I think of the academic challenges my daughter and son will navigate through this year. My wife gets on me that I don’t stress as much when thinking about it. I have to admit it’s hard to stress when I know the life my son and daughter have. When compared to what my students in Newark went through and what the young people, in their situation now, are going through. I often question myself and say: “what do I have a right to truly stress about?”
I know I’ve written a lot and I’m not even sure whose following along at this point. This is probably less of a blog to the masses and more of a personal journal to myself that I’m sharing publicly. Though it’s been 22 years since my time at Independence High, I miss those kids. I often think of them, their stories and experiences. I wonder how many were able to survive. Was any able to thrive? I grow somber in thinking about which of them are no longer alive. So I guess I'll just leave this for everyone to think about. At some point remote learning will end for good. At some point a safe and working vaccine will be found and we as parents will be able to take a deep sigh of relief knowing that our children will be able to immerse themselves back into the educational system safely. But when that moment arises and our children pick back up without missing a beat, all of us should remember that there still will be a number of children in many of our communities across this country that will remain as invisible as an avatar on Zoom and as disconnected from society as a house with no power after a storm.
Just food for thought and reflection. Nothing more. Nothing less